Um, sorry guys.

I’m not feelin’ it today.

I keep sitting down to write my Makeshift Monday post, and I’ve got nothin’.  I don’t want to write a mediocre post, when I could write on the same topic later and do a much better job.

This has been a really funky day.  I’ve been both mesmerized by and impatient with my children.  I gave my 6-month-old rice cereal for the first time today, and it was one of those moments where I was totally “in the moment” and everything felt right with the world.

Ariel and I baked banana bread together today.  As she dumped flaxseed meal and flour on the floor, it was easy to become impatient and annoyed.  And then, suddenly, I saw it all through her eyes.  I saw how meaningless the mess was.  Messes are a part of her everyday life – she doesn’t have the motor skills to avoid them.  But the opportunity to play with Mommy’s mixing bowl and spoon?  To taste flaxseed meal on her tongue and run flour through her fingers, to stand on a chair beside Mommy and feel important?  That was extraordinary!  And as I watched her examine her fingers as the flour ran through them, I felt like a child peeking into a garden, watching a fairy play on a flower.

I took a nap this morning while Ariel sat next to me playing, and I felt the sun beating down on my back through the window.  If you don’t live in Portland, you won’t appreciate this, so let me explain: yesterday and today, we have seen the first sunshine in who knows how long.  There is so little sunshine in the Northwest, and when it comes after a long absence, your skin just drinks it up.  It really does feel like you’re quenching a thirst all day long.  Dan made a point to sit in the sunlight streaming through our back door at every opportunity yesterday.  You just can’t take that stuff for granted.  Lying there, with the life-giving sun on one side of me and the apple of my eye on the other side, was a beautiful experience.

In conclusion, today has been surreal.  It has been hard, and it has been effortless.  It has been meaningful, and it has been nonsensical.  I would not trade this day for 10 other days, even as I realize that I have gotten very little housework done, and I have a headache.

Part of me feels like a failure for accomplishing almost nothing today, and part of me feels proud of myself for my choice to embrace parts of today as a transcendent experience, instead of chalking them up to being “in a funk.”  The logical part of me knows better, but my soul feels like today was a glimpse of what life should be like.

I’m making no sense at all.  I should go to bed.



One Response

  1. As we live and love together it is so meaningful to remember how hard and effortless, how meaningful and nonsensical the days are! Thank you once again!

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